Not Losing and Not Pregnant

I haven't lost weight in months now. I know why I haven't lost any weight, because I haven't been trying. This semester has been... really really hard. I'm not even in school, but I refer to periods of time by "semester." That is sad in itself.

Between school and work, Matt and I rarely get any time together. I am a single parent whenever I am with the kids. And it is hard. And I find myself alone three nights a week, sitting on my bed and watching dumb TV... and then I get bored and I go and get a snack. Peanut butter bread, a bowl of ice cream, a ho ho, or cookies. Oh yeah, I love sweets at bedtime. Hence the not losing weight. But, luckily, I am not gaining weight either. I try and eat healthy during the day and then splurge at night. Bad Becky.

In addition to the stress of being alone all the time... I've got the baby hunger. And my body is just not agreeing with me right now. I want more babies! Matt is going to finish school next semester and I want our family to keep on growing. Unfortunately, my depo shot that I got in February is working a little too well. I haven't had a period since June. The doctor says that I can still get pregnant even if I'm not having a regular cycle, but I'm doubtful of that.

I'm watching my sister go through the last week of pregnancy and it is miserable... because the last week is always miserable. And even though it remind me of how horrible being pregnant is, I'm also reminded that her new little baby is going to be here in a week and pregnancy is all worth it when you have that sweet newborn in your arms. Yeah, I've got the baby hunger.

But, I suppose it is all for the best because perhaps with how tough this semester is, pregnancy would make it unbearable. So, I have to suppose that it will happen when it is meant to happen, even though I sometimes get anxious to make the life that I want to happen, happen now. But, realistically, the life I want to happen won't be until Matt graduates and has a career.

TMI

This post is a TMI post, so if you are uncomfortable reading about periods and pregnancy, don't read this post.

My exercise and diet program have been a little off as of late. First, I got injured at church and couldn't do my regular Insanity work outs with my injury. I still can't, my shoulder still hurts, but I can do my elliptical.

Then, about two weeks ago, I started feeling nauseated. I was nauseated every morning and night. I started to feel exhausted and grumpy and picking foods that I wanted to eat became challenging because most things sounded bad.

I immediately did period math and realized that it had been 31 days since my last period. I decided to wait it out a few days and see what happened. After a couple of days, nothing had happened, so I went and bought a pregnancy test. Negative.

Now some back story. I have been using the Depo shot for birth control and I usually do not have a period. When my shot was due in May, I opted not to get my booster because I want to get pregnant at the end of the year and last time I used this shot, it took me nine months after the shot to get pregnant, so I have to plan WAY in advance.

But, I didn't want to get pregnant in May if my Depo wore off after three months. So, I started using the Nuva ring. Which, I only used for a week because it gave me painful cramps and messed with my emotions. I was up and down and crazy lady. So, I opted to start tracking my cycles myself and becoming my own birth control through being very aware of where I was in my cycle. I bought a book and everything to teach myself how to do this.

The only problem with this plan is that my body is totally thrown off. After I stopped my Depo I got a period. Then, when I stopped the Nuva Ring, I got another period. Then, 22 days later, I got another period. It was obvious that my body was out of whack and NOT on regular cycles. I didn't seem to be ovulating at all either.

So, when I started feeling pregnant at the end of July, I thought that it was very unlikely since my body has been so off. So, I waited a week. But, I was still feeling sick and tired. So, I took another test... still negative. So, I continue onward. It has been 47 days since my last period. I have had cramping but no bleeding, still nauseated and exhausted.

So, I've tried working out, but I feel exhausted and dizzy after fifteen hard minutes on the elliptical. I have been forcing myself to continue with my mostly veggie diet even though it usually makes me feel more sick and I end up eating a lot less because the veggies make me sick.

Additionally, I have stopped losing weight. My diet hasn't changed too much, other than that I am eating less. And my exercise is a lot less since I just don't seem to have the energy to do much. I get off work (sitting down for 8 hours) and I'm so tired! I actually started gaining weight again. It is really annoying since I have been working so hard to lose.

I don't know what is wrong with me. I'm obviously not pregnant because two pregnancy tests have told me so, but there is something wrong with me. I'm going to keep trying with the diet and the exercise as I can and if things persist for the next couple weeks, I will go to the doctor.

I've heard of women skipping periods for one or two months, but in the past, when I'm not on birth control, I have been fairly regular.

Update

So, it has been 6 weeks since I last did my measurements. I just haven't felt like measuring in a while because I didn't feel like my body had changed very much. But, this week, I put on my size 14 pants and they fit! So, I knew it was time to measure and see how many inches I have lost.

Dominant Arm: 14.25 in (-.25)
Neck: Ooops, forgot to measure
Chest: 42 in (+.5 all depends on the bra I'm wearing)
Waist: 36.5 in (-1.5)
1" below the belly button: 42.75 in (-1.75)
Hips: 44.75 in (-2.5)
Thigh: 27.5 in (0)
Calf: 16.5 in (0)
Weight: 203 lbs

Inches lost in the last 6 weeks: 5.5 in
Weight lost in the last 6 weeks: 10 lbs
Total inches lost: -18.5 in
Total weight lost: 27 lbs

I have now been doing this for 14 weeks. 14 weeks is more than 3 months and I have almost made my first bench mark which is a 30lb loss. It will put me at 200lbs. The last time I was 200lbs was 2 years ago before I was pregnant with Dan. I think that if I keep going, I can definitely make that goal.

I can feel a difference in my body, especially my waist, hips, and butt. Now, if only I can lose a little in my arms and legs, I'll be even happier.

Diets and Vacations are Non-Mixy

So last week I went on vacation to Bear Lake for a family reunion. The hardest part of this vacation was not getting to choose what I ate, when I ate or what I did while I was there.

Each family was in charge of a meal at the reunion and I had no control of what I was eating. I could only control my portions.

I also didn't exercise at all because there were family events going on the whole time. I feel off my game.

Yesterday I stood on the scale and I was up 4 pounds. I was so discouraged. I have worked so hard to lose 24 pounds and then I gained 4 back. But, I think it was just water weight or something because when I stood on the scale this morning, I was back down to 207; a 23 pound loss. So, maybe I am not as bad off as I first thought.

I'm back on the wagon this week; salads for lunches, shakes for breakfast and light dinners full of veggies. And, I am starting exercise again this week. I must move forward!

Sick... Again

I was sick over the weekend, so I took a few days off from exercising. Yesterday, I was feeling a lot better, so I got on my elliptical... and failed. I was exhausted after 5 minutes and couldn't handle any resistance. My lungs hurt, I started to gasp and gave up at 13 minutes.

I'm weak. I was doing so well last week and then I totally sucked yesterday. I guess I am just not better yet because I find it highly unlikely that I am out of shape within a week. It sucks feeling weak. I was feeling so strong. But, my lungs got the better of me and I rushed for my inhaler.

But, I am happy to report that despite my sickness, I was still able to drop two pounds. I've now lost 22 pounds total. Yay! Must keep going.

Failure

This week I feel like a failure. Not a failure with my diet, but with my exercise.

We have been sleep training and it has been just... emotionally frustrating. It is still a fight at bedtime. There is crying there is tantrums, there is putting her back in her room a lot, and there is peeing the pants and it is extremely draining.

Some nights it is short, it is done by 9pm. But other times... it is 10pm or 11pm. And by the end of it, I do not have the strength to exercise because I am mentally and emotionally drained by all the crying.

Fighting Nicole every night is just so draining that I lose the will to do anything afterward, I just want to hit my pillow and fall asleep.

So, I have only worked out twice this week and it shows. I've lost zero weight this week.

I hope that bedtime goes better this weekend so that I can have time to myself to work out at night.

Or, maybe I should be waking up at 5am to workout before I go to work. I don't know, but things just aren't happening right now. It is really hard waking up early when I don't fall asleep until 11pm at night because Nicole is up so late.

I just need a push, I need some motivation. Anyone have some motivation that I can borrow?

20 Down, 20 to Go

I stood on the scale this morning and was happy to see... 210lbs. Yay!

Okay, most people don't "yay" when they see a 200+ number on the scale, but this means that I have officially lost 20lbs!

Granted, it took me 10 weeks to lose that much, but still, yay! With 20lbs off, I am down one size in my pants. I've gone from an 18 pant size to a 16. I only own three pairs of size 16 that I bought when I first got pregnant with Nicole and was in denial about maternity pants, but that is okay, I will wear those three pairs until I get down to size 14, in which I have a lot of pants.

I haven't taken my measurements in a couple weeks, but I know that they have changed a little because my clothes feel different. My waist, my hips, my butt, and my chest all feel smaller. Unfortunately, I haven't noticed a difference in my arms and legs yet. But, this just means that I have to work harder to see that difference.

Last time I was this weight, Nicole was 9 months old. I lost ten more pounds before I became pregnant with Dan. My goal is to lose at least 20 more pounds before trying to get pregnant again. Hopefully, it doesn't take me another 10 weeks. But, if it does, then that is okay as long as I am going in the right direction.

Sick or Not?

Last night I was doing fine. I got my new immersion blender in the mail and I tested it out to see if I could make fruit smoothies at work and sure enough it works great! Then, I hopped on my elliptical and did 25 minutes (at a level 3) and 10 minutes of stretching. And when I was done stretching, it hit me. I was suddenly very nauseated.

At first, I thought that maybe I had gone too hard on the elliptical and gotten nauseated from dehydration. I know level three doesn't sound hard, but when you are as out of shape as I am, it is a hard workout. But, then the lower digestion hit me and I felt like me intestines were boiling. Then, I got the shakes and the aches. I did not feel good at all.

Plus, Nicole was up and complaining that her tummy hurt and I thought, oh no. Nicole and I were up late... which means that Matt was too. I took some tylenol and some anti-nausea and just hoped that I wouldn't throw up because that is just the worst. I hate throwing up with a passion. But, I couldn't sleep and I was up until... I don't know... 3am? 4am? I kept drifting off and then waking when my abdomen boiled. I don't know if I got much sleep at all. (Luckily, Nicole fell asleep around midnight.)

I woke up this morning at 7am and... fine. No stomach cramping, no nausea, just an awful taste in my mouth from the Gatorade I was drinking all night and some fatigue.

So, was I sick? Was I not? I have no idea. But, I certainly didn't like whatever was going on. Maybe I just ate something that didn't agree with me? I'm feeling betterish today, so hopefully it stays that way. I'm at work... but man am I tired.

Carbs, How I Love You

What I am missing one right now... my carbs!

I haven't cut carbs, that would be insanity, but I have limited them... severely. I used to eat carbs for every meal. Here is how my meals used to go.

Breakfast: 2 slices of Raisin Bread (100 calories each) or, on Friday I would have a donut (300 calories)

Lunch: Leftovers from dinner the night before like pasta, fried rice, or delicious enchiladas (around 600 calories)

Dinner: More carbs! Pasta, rice dish, mexican dish, burgers, or pizza (my fav). (1000 calories)

Snacks: Cookies (100 calories each and I would have 5), ice cream (200 calories for half a cup), or a nighttime peanut butter and jelly (250 calories), ect...

Doesn't that sound yummy? Cuz it sure is!

This is what my meals are like now.

Breakfast: Yogurt (100 calories), a banana (100 calories), or a grapefruit cup (50 calories).

Lunch: Chicken or turkey salad that is either garden, mexican, or asian (350 calories).

Dinner: Vegetable pasta, vegetable rice, vegetable pizza, or something else veggie heavy. (750 calories)

Snacks: Carrots (35 calories), string cheese (100 calories), granola bar (100 calories), or half a cup of frozen yogurt (110 calories).

Do you see the change? There are a lot more veggies, a lot more fruit, more dairy, and a lot less sugars and bread and deliciousness. This is not a bad thing. I enjoy what I eat, but I miss some of my other foods. I allow myself homemade pizza once a week because it is my favorite food and it is a luxury, but when we make it at home, I can determine how much oil, how much cheese and how much meat I put on it.

Since ground turkey was on sale at Sunflower last week, we bought a bunch and I am substituting turkey for beef wherever I can. Turkey is almost half the calories of beef, so it is totally worth it to substitute. And, after eating chicken and fish for the last 8 weeks, it is good to have a little more variety to my food.

But, I really really miss my massive amounts of pasta, cookies, cake, donuts, bread, and carby deliciousness. Mmmm.... They say you are suppose to stop craving things, but I haven't stopped craving my carbs and sugars.

But, when I have splurged and eaten fattening things that are high in butter or oil, I find myself feeling sick to my stomach, so my body must be changing a little. They say it takes a few months to reset your brain to desire healthy foods rather than unhealthy foods. I'm ready for the reset. But, they also say you can reset your brain to desire unhealthy foods in one week. Apparently, it is a lot harder to go healthy than it is to go unhealthy.

Insanity is Insane

So, I have been moving forward with the Insanity workouts even though they are very difficult and some of the moves I am not yet able to do.

I am really liking it. It is hard, like really really hard and I am drenched in sweat at the end of every work out, but I also feel good after every work out. I feel energized and I sleep better, and it is definitely challenging me and I like a challenge.

A lot of the moves in Insanity require a lot of flexibility and upper body strength. I'm fairly flexible except when it comes to my middle. Sometimes, my too large tummy gets in the way of me being able to do the exercise or the stretch. But, hopefully, the tummy will go down and I will be able to do more.

The other thing that I have trouble with is the push-ups. I can't do one push-up... let alone three sets of 10. I think that as I build up my arm muscles and as I drop my weight, I will someday be able to do a real push-up. My 213lbs is just too much to be hefting up and down.

So far, I have stuck to the 30-40 minute work outs for Insanity. At first, I couldn't even finish the 40 minute work out, but now I am able to finish them, but I know that I would not be able to do the "Max" one hour work outs. I've stuck with the circuit workouts that have frequent rests and I am afraid of the "Pure Cardio" that is non-stop 35 minutes cardio.

Matt has started to do some of the Insanity work outs with me on the nights when he doesn't have homework to do and it really pushes me to try harder in my work outs because I have someone there beside me doing the same thing. Sometimes I make up competitions in my head to continue as long as Matt does with an exercise.

So, I will continue on with Insanity because I like it and there are so many different workouts that I don't get bored. But, we shall see if the workouts pay off on the scale.

Update

So, here is my update though it is a week late. I wanted to do measurements every 2 weeks, but it has been 3. But, I was sick one week of those three weeks and there was no change that week. So, here are my numbers as they are now.

Dominant Arm: 14.5" (+.5)
Neck: 14" (-.5)
Chest: 41.5" (-1.5)
Waist: 38" (-1)
1" below belly button: 44.5" (-1.5)
Hips: 46.25" (-.5)
Dominant Leg: 27.5" (0)
Dominant Calf: 16.5" (0)
Weight: 213lbs

Weight lost in three weeks: 5 pounds
Inches lost in three weeks: -4.5"
Inches lost Total: -13"
Weight loss Total: 17 lbs

It has been 8 weeks and I don't have as much to show for it as I would like. But, I have been sick twice during those 8 weeks, which is always a bummer and stunts my progress. You would think that being sick and eating less would help lose weight, but the amount of inactivity means that I am not burning more calories than I am eating.

So, if I can stay healthy, and keep at this pace, I should be at my first benchmark (200lbs) by the end of July. Lets cross our fingers and hope really hard!

Down Again Despite

I am down two pounds this week, bringing me to 213lbs! Yay! I have now lost 17 pounds total.

I was surprised that I had lost this week because yesterday Matt and I made a trifle for dessert and I ate massive amounts of trifle. But, I suppose trifle is mostly fruit... and pudding, and whip cream and cake. Okay, it is not good for me at all, but somehow if there is fruit involved, I like to believe that it is healthy.

I am back on track after two weeks of no weight loss. Which was most likely due to the fact that I was not exercising because I was all sick. But, I exercised this week (Insanity!) and I am feeling good. It feels really good to be moving forward again.

Only 13 more pounds to go before I hit my first bench mark. Hopefully, it doesn't take me another 8 weeks to lose these pounds... but if it does, I am still moving in the right direction.

Insanity

My brother Johnny loaned me his Insanity dvds and I tried the fitness test last night (after I had already done 30 minutes of yoga) and it is HARD! And it was just the test to see how fit I am! I couldn't even do all the moves that the people on the dvd were doing.

It really IS insanity. But, I think I will try it again because it is kinda a challenge that I want to defeat! Plus, I know two of my brothers are doing this and if they can do it... I can attempt it.

A Wash!

Last week was a wash! I was sick all week and I did not exercise at all. I was just too sick to do anything other than cook, clean, and change diapers. And, I was not as strict with my diet because no one wants to diet when they are feeling crummy. You just want to eat what you want to eat, when you want to eat it. But, I did try to stay my hand when it came to portions.

So, last week, I lost no weight, but I also gained no weight. Total wash.

But, today I am feeling better and I will be working out this week and I want to see those pounds continue to fall off!

I found out this weekend that my brother Jake (my oldest) is also on a weightloss quest so that he can get a better life insurance policy. He has already lost 15 pounds (same as me) and he is only 3 pounds heavier than me. This is depressing. My brother, who is taller, and broader, and more muscley should weigh significantly more than me. And, he has dropped his weight significantly faster than me. Men are so annoying in this way. Their weight can go up and down so easily when I feel like I am fighting for every pound.

I know that it is not a competition... but, in my family, it is ALWAYS a competition. Life is a competition. And I really want to win it.

So, I have new determination to try hard this week.

Also, I tried a new birth control last week and it was awful! I had cramps every day and crazy mood swings, so I have already stopped taking it. I will have to find a different method because my body is not ready yet for another baby, but I hate feeling pain and craziness from hormone drugs. Birth controls and me just don't go well together.

Making a Change

This post is on birth control, so if you feel that is a TMI, stop reading now.

For the past year, I have been using the Depo shot as my birth control and I've decided to make a change. This form of birth control is a shot that I get once every three months. I have multiple problems with this birth control.

1. The shot is known to cause women to gain weight and I feel like it is part of the problem with my slowness in losing my weight.
2. It causes bleeding that can sometimes last weeks.
3. It is hard to plan a pregnancy around this shot because it takes 6-9 months to wear off. Which means that I have to plan trying to get pregnant 9 months in advance.  I say 9 months because that is how long it took for me to get pregnant with Dan after I had the shot.

So, I've decided to make a change. Hopefully, it will help me in losing my weight faster and it will make it easier when I do decided to get pregnant.

I know there are a lot of birth control options out there, and I just need to find the one that is right for me. One that doesn't make me sick and doesn't make me fat.

Accomplishment!

This weekend my family was sick and I did not get to exercise. I was up until midnight on many a night with sick kids and there was no time to exercise. And, because everyone was sick, I was cooking comfort food that I knew that the kids would eat. Pizza, mac and cheese, and delicious cookies.

I still attempted to limit my calories by eating cereal for breakfast and salad for lunch and then eating a lot more pizza than I should have for dinner. But, I knew that I had eaten more than I should, especially on Saturday. Plus, I was a sloth and was laying down a lot because I was all achy and sick.

So, when I got on the scale this morning, I was not hopeful. I knew that my weight would reflect my lack of exercise and my cookie consumption. But, I was very surprised when the scale said, 215lbs! This means that since I started this 6 weeks ago, I have lost 15 pounds!

I was surprised that I lost three pounds last week. Yay!

I know that I will fluctuate at the beginning of the week like I do every week, but hopefully I can maintain this through the week and stay at 215 or below.

I realize that 15 pounds in six weeks is not enough, but I am a little closer to my goal. Just 25 more pounds to go before am I at the weight where I feel like it will be safer for me to get pregnant.

My Workout Routine

So, I'm still working on getting a solid workout routine and some days I'm just too tired to do anything, but I am still trying to do some sort of exercise 3-4 times a week (even though my original goal was 5 times a week). Finding the time is the hardest part of this, which is why it is so inconsistent.

Last Week-

Monday: Just Dance for 30 minutes and stretch for 10 (while the kids played at my feet)
Tuesday: Jog with the stroller to the park taking the long way (I wanted to Just Dance, but found that I had Wii elbow. It's a real thing!).
Wednesday: Attempt to Zumba with Marie and then have the kids attack us and ask for things every three seconds and make it impossible. Then, give up and don't exercise at all.
Thursday: Wake up to Dan at 5:45am, bottle him, get on my elliptical and go for 20 minutes and stretch for 10 minutes. Then, go to work at 7am.
Friday: Calesthenics for 10 minutes, Yoga for 20 minutes, and stretch for 10. Marie taught me some calesthenic moves.
Saturday: Be super lazy and don't do any exercise!
Sunday: I never exercise on Sunday as it is a rest day.

This Week-

Monday: Zumba for 20 minutes, Yoga for 20 minutes and stretch for 10.
Tuesday: Calesthenics for 10 minutes, Weight lifting for 10 minutes and stretch for 10.
Wednesday: I intend to jump on my eliptical tonight and do some cardio, but I am really sore from my calesthenics yesterday and yoga on Monday. Yoga is hard!


All of my workouts are done in my own home (or in my neighborhood if I am walking with the kids). I do this because I barely get time with my family, I'm not going to take more time away from them. I like the exercise. It gives me more energy and I can feel myself getting stronger. I thought that I would really hate it, but my family has been really supportive and have lent me some of their at home workout dvds so that I can change up my exercise and keep it interesting.

My workouts are short, usually about 20 minutes per activity, but I try to keep it intense so that I am straining through the activity and getting a good workout.

I hope that this works for me because I don't plan on buying a workout program, I just don't think that it would be for me. I like designing my own and doing what I feel like doing that day without guilt because some exercise is better than no exercise. Even if it is just dancing in front of the Wii with my kids.

Update

I measured and weighed two weeks ago and I did it again today and I did not like the results as much as I did last time.

Dominant Arm: 14" (+.5")
Chest: 43" (-.5")
Neck: 14.5" (0)
Natural Waistline: 39" (-1")
1" below bellybutton: 46: (-.5")
Hips: 46.75" (-.25")
Dominant Leg: 27.5" (-1")
Dominant Calf: 16.5 (0)
Weight: 218 lbs (-4)

Hopefully my measurements are better in another 2 weeks.

Total inches lost in the last 2 weeks: 3"
Total inches lost total: 8.5"

If I am Consistent

Last week was really discouraging all week because I kept weighing in at 220lbs and I didn't seem to be losing anything! I couldn't seem to get below the 220 mark. Then, Saturday morning, I stepped on the scale and it read 218! Yay! 2 pounds down for the week is not too shabby.

I weighed in this morning and I was still at 218, so as long as I keep doing what I am doing, I should stay below the 220 mark.

So, I lost two pounds two weeks ago and two pounds last week. If I am consistent, I can be below 200 pounds by... August!

When I got pregnant with Nicole, I was at 190lbs. I feel like that is an okay weight to get pregnant at, so I am on track for that if I can keep going like I am going. If it turns out that I am less than 190 at the end of the year, even better.

I am feeling more confident today because I lost the two pounds at the end of last week even though I discouraged most of the week.

So, my total weight loss in 5 weeks is 12 pounds. I can do better than that right?

Discouraged

I'm feeling a little discouraged. I've been eating healthy and exercising 3 to 5 times a week for a month now and my results just aren't happening fast. I know that if I want fast results, I would have to do some extreme changes, especially to my diet and I just don't feel ready for it.

When I first decided to do this, it was when I stepped on the scale and saw 230lbs. And it was the weight I was when I was 7 months along with both of my kids and that was just too depressing. Now, I'm at 220lbs, which lets face it is not that much of a difference. 10lbs in a month? That is nothing.

I want another baby. I want our family to grow, but my body is not prepared to get pregnant again. Getting pregnant at this weight would be very unhealthy and would increase my risks during pregnancy. I would be at risk for diabetes, and all sorts of other things. So, I really need to lose the weight before I can get pregnant again. My goal is to be pregnant around the beginning of next year, so I MUST lose another 30 pounds in the next 7 months.

I have a realistic mind. I know that if I continue with my current regiment, I can't continue to lose 10 pounds a month. There are plateaus and things to overcome when doing weight loss and you have to change things up to continue.

I think I'm discouraged recently because I have been stressed at work. Work has been hard, I have been getting told that I am doing things wrong a lot lately. Which is not entirely my fault. I've been doing what I've been told to do, it just isn't what the higher ups want to see, they just aren't very good at telling me beforehand what they want things to look like and it is frustrating feeling like I can't do anything right and being forced to repeat my work so many times.

So, my first thing I go to when I am stressed is treats. I eat cookies and chips and snacks to just get through the day without crying because I'm so emotional from being yelled at everyday. I've tried very hard and successfully avoided the vending machines during this stressful work time, but I've been over eating on my fruits and veggies and going way over on my calories lately. I wish that I were home with my kids and not at work every day. Taking care of the kids is a whole other set of emotional and frustrating circumstances, but at the end of the day, I will always love my kids. I love my job less and less lately.

And thus, I am discouraged. I want things to happen magically, even though I know that they won't. There is so much emotion from other things in my life that I start to defer my emotion to my weight loss rather than putting it where it belongs. I'm discouraged with my job, I'm missing my husband as he is gone four nights a week at school, and I'm missing my kids while I'm at a job that I am not enjoying.

Maybe next week will be better.

My New Inspiration

I started watching the current season of the Biggest Loser on Hulu and I've found it very motivational. They hugely fat people, much fatter than me are able to work hard and lose their weight and it makes me think that I can do it too.

The Biggest Loser is very extreme. They work out 6 hours a day and limit their caloric intake. They lost massive amounts in short amounts of time. The women average about 5 pounds a week. I know that that is not something that I can do because I certainly don't work out that much, but it still makes things seem doable.

One of the contestants from a previous season said in an interview that if you just lose one pound a week, in a year, you will have lost 52 pounds. That seems like something that I can very much do. One pound a week is easy!

Another thing I have learned from the show is to have goals, benchmarks with rewards when you reach the benchmark. So, here are the bench marks that I am going for.

• Under 200 pounds: I haven't been under 200 pounds since before I got pregnant with Nicole. I went up and over the 200 pound mark during my pregnancy with Nicole and haven't been back since. I am 23 pounds away from being under 200 pounds.   My reward for this goal will be a new hair cut and hair dye, from a real salon, not done myself.
• 175 pounds: I was this weight a few months after I was married because I quickly gained weight when I got married, but by the time I was married for a year, I was 190 pounds. So, 170 seems like a good second bench mark. My reward for this goal will be a new nightstand. That may sound like a weird reward but it is something I really want, but won't treat myself to because it is a want, not a need.
• 155 pounds: This goal seems so very unatainable. I haven't been this weight since I got married. This was my weight when I got married and it is my ideal weight. In highschool I was 145 pounds, but I have realistic thinking, I'm never going to be my highschool weight because I have a woman's body now and I have had babies and I want to be a healthy weight, not ultra skinny. My reward for this weight will be a trip with my husband.

My goal pant size is a size 10. I am currently a size 18. I was a size 10 when I got married, so I know that I can get back to that size.

Update

So, I haven't written in a while because I had nothing good to report. I figure if there is nothing good tor report, then don't report at all. No one likes a negative fat lady. So, I didn't work hard last week, I ran one day, did yoga one day and worked in the yard another. I neglected to stretch after I worked in the yard because I didn't think of it as a workout so much as yard work and then I was sore. I'm still sore. From stupid pulling weeds in the yard. So, I was able to run last night and then stretch my muscles and I'm not quite as sore as I was yesterday.

Yesterday I finally pulled out my measuring tape and did my measurements. Here are my updates after 3 weeks of calorie counting and exercise.

Dominant Arm: 13.5 in. (-.5)
Chest: 43.5 in (0)
Neck: 14.5 in (0)
Natural Waistline: 40 in (0)
1" below belly button: 46.5 in (-2)
Hips: 47 in (-1.5)
Dominant Leg: 28.5 in (-.5)
Dominant Calf: 16.5 in (-1)
Weight: 222 lbs (-6)

So, thus far, I have lost 5.5 inches and 6 pounds. Which is not a lot. But, that just means that I have to work harder and try harder to lose more inches and more pounds. One good thing is that I have gone up one belt loop. I can finally use the second loop on my belt rather than the last one on the belt. Here's hoping that I keep going in that direction.

Goals:

This week I plan to do 3 days of cardio and 2 days of Yoga/Pilates with 2 days of rest. I continue to try and keep my calories in the 1500 range, but sweets are the bane of my diet and often force me into the 1700s on some days. Hence why things are going so slow. I can do it. Do better this week than last.

I feel myself getting stronger. I am using a level 2 resistance on the eliptical. I want to be at a level three by the end of next week. Go Becky, Go.

I Was Sick and Now I'm Not

I was sick all week last week and I did not stay within my previously designated parameters. I ate what sounded good, within reason, and I did not exercise because I didn't have energy to play with my kids let alone exercise. But, it is a new week and I am feeling good, so I can get back on track.

I desperately need to do grocery shopping because I am all out of my fresh foods and I am running out of options for breakfast. That is the thing about eating healthy, it requires a whole lot of perishable foods which means going shopping a lot. We went shopping a lot two weeks ago, but not at all last week. Matt went out for eggs and milk, but nothing else.

So, it is with renewed fervor that I will continue on my journey. Being sick really threw off my groove.

I haven't been able to do measurements, but I weighed in this morning at 224lbs. Which means that I have lost 4 pounds thus far. Which is almost nothing at all. I'm hoping that my measurements reflect more loss, but I'm not going to do them until next week since last week was pretty much a lost week. I don't think there were any changes last week because I just wasn't trying.

My Progress

Well, I started this a week ago and in that week, I have already revised my original plan because I have to do what works for me!

Eating:

• I still want to stay within 1500 calories, but I am NOT going to starve myself. I will eat when I'm hungry, but I will reach for the carrot sticks instead of the Gardettos when I want a snack. 
• I can't cut sugar completely. This weekend I had a spoonful of trifle and a piece of carrot cake because I made them and they were there and they were delicious! I think I will go with the "moderation" theory. If I really want a piece of cake, I will take a small piece and only one. I can stick to the no candy because I don't really like candy to begin with, but when it comes to baked goods, they are my vice. The solution, obviously is to not make baked goods. I only make sweet treats when we have family events to attend and I am contributing.
• Eat sustainably (totally a word). I want to eat in a way that will change the way I eat forever. I don't want to diet, I want to change my food choices. I don't want to give up cookies forever, that is completely unrealistic, I love cookies too much. But, maybe, I will only eat one cookie instead 6 like I used to do.
• Eat when I'm hungry. One thing I have noticed about me is that I get the munchies and I just want to eat because my mouth wants to eat, not because I am hungry. Also, I'm a social eater. I eat when other people eat because it is a social thing. But, now, I think that I will eat when I am hungry, not when I just want to eat to have a taste in my mouth. When I feel the munchies coming on, I seriously have to assess myself and ask, "Am I hungry?" 

Exercise:

• 3 days of cardio, on my eliptical. I think this is the same as before, but now my wonderful husband does it with me. We switch off on the eliptical and it is so nice to have a partner to do this with. Although Matt is a lot stronger than me. He does the resistance on the elipitical, but I just use it as is, my body and lungs are not strong enough to do the eliptical with resistance.
• 2 days of weights and yoga. I will do two days of yoga and weights in between my cardio days. I want the yoga to tone areas of my body that I want to focus on.
• 2 days of rest. Last week I realized, after 4 straight days of cardio, that my body needed to rest. I was weak when I was on the eliptical and I couldn't sustain my pace, but then, after one day of rest, when I got back on the eliptical, I felt strong again! The exercise plans all say that you need rest days, but I thought I was above it, that I could push through, and then I after doing one, I realized that it actually makes me stronger! The eliptical was a lot easier after my rest day and I felt like I was improving.

This week's goals:

• Increase my eliptical time from 22 minutes to 30 minutes (still with no resistance).
• Buy a yoga mat because yoga on the carpet is ridiculous and then I don't want to do my yoga.
• Be able to do 24 bicep curls with the 8 pound weights.
• Keep within my 1500 calories at least during the weekdays.

Weekly Weigh In

I was going to post this last Friday, but I neglected to do so. And, I was going to include my initial photos, but I left my camera at Momma Kimball's so I am posting without it. I will weigh in and do measurements once a week so I can hopefully track my progress.

Dominant Arm: 14 in
Chest 43.5 in
Neck: 14.5 in
Natural Waistline: 40 in
1" below belly button: 48 in
Hips: 48.5 in
Dominant Leg: 29 in
Dominant Calf: 17.5 in
Weight: 228lbs

Is this embarrassing? Yes, but I am trying... at last, to change myself. I haven't tried these last five years because I didn't want to worry about things, I didn't want to obsess about food and exercise, I just wanted to be happy and I worried that if I started down this road, I wouldn't be happy. But, one week into this adventure, I find that it doesn't cause me the anxiety and guilt that I thought it would, but that I have more energy and I am still me and I am still happy.

A Plan...ish

So, here is my plan for now.

Diet:

• Keep a log of what I eat and how many calories I am eating
• Try and keep what I eat to 1500 calories a day
• Cut all baked goods, candy, and sweets
• Cut chips, fries, and fried foods
• Eat chicken and fish plentifully and red meat in moderation
• Cut down on butter and cheese and fats in my food choices

Exercise:

• Use eliptical or go on walks 3 days a week, at least 20 minutes
• Do strength training (yoga or weights) 3 days a week, at least 20 minutes

So, I am going to start out with this, using Calorie Counter as my guide, but I think that I will still need work out dvds to help me tone what I want to tone because I don't know the exercises to do it.

Weigh in and measurements tomorrow.

Overwhelmed Before I even Get Started

Yesterday, during all my research, I got a little overwhelmed. There is so much out there that I can do and I'm just not sure what TO do. I told Matt about what I had found yesterday and he told me that he found this calorie count website that is free and lets you plan your own program.

I like the idea of free, but the idea of designing my own diet and exercise plan really scares me. I don't know what exercises I need to do to tone my belly, thighs, and butt. I don't know how to design my own diet. I don't know how to do all that stuff. I just wants something that tells me what to do so that I can do it.

Then, because I was overwhelmed, I got discouraged because I am overwhelmed before I even get started. I don't want the work of getting healthy to be in the beginning, I want it to be in the middle, when I am actually watching what I am eating and exercising.

So, I will check out the calorie count website today and see if it is right for me. But, I am leaning toward the 60 day slimdown. But, Matt doesn't want to spend money on something that I won't like and therefore won't use. So, I guess I have to prove that I am ready to do this.

I have exercised every day this week (except Sunday because I'm not going to exercise on Sundays) and I've already noticed an improvement. On Monday, I could only be on the eliptical for 15 minutes before I was totally wasted (yeah, pathetic I know). But, yesterday, I was able to stay on for 22 minutes, which was a slight improvement. I don't have any resistance right now while I do it, but someday I will be able to do that hopefully.

I tried to do yoga last night while I was taking care of the kids, but they were not having any of that. Dan kept trying to climb me and Nicole kept taking my weights from me. I will have to accept that I have to exercise while the kids are sleeping.

I'm going to do a weigh in and measurements and then post them so that I can see my improvements as I go along, even though I haven't picked a plan yet for myself, I am still trying by exercising and cutting sugar from my eating. I still eat fruit for sugars, but no baked goods or candy.

I don't like this already. I really need to find a plan.

Finding Something That Works for Me

There are a whole lot of diets out there and there are a whole lot of exercise programs out there and I want to find something that is right for me. I know that I can't magically lose weight and tone my body, I don't know how to do it. I need help, I need a plan, and I need it to be healthy. Also, it can't just be a weight loss plan or just an exercise plan, I need a combo. I need to exercise and regulate my eating so that I don't lose muscle. I want to be strong. I have to be strong to take care of my kiddos.

I've been researching the last two days, trying to see what is out there and what could fit my needs. Here are some of my requirements:

I want to exercise at home. I know a lot of women like to go to the gym or work out classes, but I'm away from my kids for 8 hours a day, I don't want to spend MORE time away from home. I want to be home when I exercise. Lately, I have been going on walks with the kids and doing my eliptical at home. But, walking or jogging only works my legs and it is just cardio. I want to tone, so I need something more specific.

I don't want to starve myself or eat yucky stuff. I did the LA Weightloss with my parent's many years ago and I lost weight very quickly, but I felt like I was starving myself to do so. I was weighing my food, cutting out carbs almost completely (half a tortilla a day is nothing) and I felt hungry all the time. It was pretty awful. I want to eat healthy food without feeling hungry all the time and without being a crazy person.

I pretty much hate dieting because I start to obsess about food. It is all I start to think about and it drives me bonkers. I want to find a plan that makes me excited about the food I'm eating and leaves me feeling like I've had enough food. I don't want to starve!

Keeping all this in mind, here are some of the options I have found thus far:

Workouts:

-Slim in 6 This is a set of dvd workouts that are suppose to tone your butt, belly, and thighs in six weeks. It doesn't guarantee weightloss, but rather inches off your trouble areas. I've been reading about this on another bloggers site and her success.

-Top Trainers This is a 10 dvd set that offers variety to your workout. It claims you will never get bored and will see results in a week. I haven't read a blogger success story on this yet.

-Moms into Fitness This is a 60 day slim down, 4 dvd set that will help you slim down in 60 days and focuses on losing post baby weight. I saw this on baby steals and I've read a few blogs of people who have tried it and it helps lose inches, but not weight.

Diets:

-Weight Watchers This has so many success stories. It can definitely help lose pounds if you can stick to the diet. I know it is a system of points and you can track everything online and even have an app on your tablet to check for points on food items. I know this can work, it is just pricey. $65 for 4 months access to the online points list. Plus, you HAVE to pair it with exercise. The blogs that I have read say that if you don't exercise, you can become weak and unhealthy.

-Shakeology  I've read a lot about these and some people love them and some people hate them. It is $100 for one month of shakes and it replaces a meal. That itself won't help you lose weight, but if you pair it with one of their work out programs, like Slim in 6, then you can lose weight and inches. I don't know if I like the idea of a shake for a meal, and I definitely don't like the idea of spending 100 dollars on shakes every month, but it is something I looked at.

Also, there is a diet plan with Lindsay Brin's Mom's into Fitness that gives you basic rules for eating like drinking water and portions that will help you change how you eat without actually dieting.

What is right for me? I don't know yet. I'm going to talk to my husband about it. Figure out what we can afford and what will work for us because even though I want to change the way I eat, the food in our house still has to be able to feed the kids. I don't want to be making two meals every dinner; one for me and one for the kids. So, I've got to figure out what will work best.

For Me

This blog is for me. It has been one year (almost) since I had my last baby. I gained 60 pounds during my Dan pregnancy. I lost 40 pounds within a couple months of Dan being born. It was easy, I did nothing but nurse and the weight came off. But, I still have the other 20 pounds. And, I still have 10 pounds from my Nicole's pregnancy. And, I have 40 pounds from when I got married. I weigh 70 pounds more than when I first got married and it is starting to weigh on me.

I don't usually concern myself with my weight because it stresses me out. I don't like to be obsessed with what I eat and when I eat and how much I eat. It really brings me down. It makes me less of the happy person that I am. Plus, I love food, I love to cook, and I don't like to make things taste less good by making it "healthy."

But, I've been looking at myself lately, and I don't like what I see. I don't feel pretty or sexy. I feel like perma-mommy, which is to say, always a mommy, a mommy body all the time, not a hot wife body. I want to feel like a hot wife again.

But, to do that, it will need a lot of work. It will mean changing what I eat and exercising. I did LA Weightloss with my parents many years ago and I lost 9 pounds in 2 weeks and I was already a size 10 (which is small). So, I know that if I change what I do, the pounds can come off fairly easily, but it is a matter of commitment. If I am going to do this, I have to commit. I have to do it and do it right. I have to throw myself into a meal outline and exercise plan and stick to it.

But, this means that I have to give up my excuses. No more, "I'm tired." No more, "The kids won't let me." Or, "I don't want to make two meals." I know that my wonderful husband will back me in whatever decision I make. He has thus far. He has watched me gain and gain and hasn't pressured me to change a thing. He loves me no matter what. So, in deciding to change my weight, he will support me in this.

I want to do this for me. Not for my husband or for other's perceptions, but for me, so that I can feel better about me.